There has been a lot of talk in pop culture recently about healthy boundaries and having boundaries. The word “boundaries” has become synonymous with who you interact with, how you interact with them, and what behavior you will and will not tolerate. Often, we think about boundaries as a way to manage other people’s behavior.
This conversation about boundaries, while enticing, ignores one crucial truth: You can only truly control your own actions. If you have a boundary and someone crosses it, what then? You can only control how you respond, not their behavior. In this way, boundaries are much more about how we interact with the world around us than how others interact with us.
When working on your boundaries, it can be helpful to start with your boundaries with yourself. Here’s an exercise to try. Take a minute to sit down with a pen and paper and jot down a few things that are important to you. These reflect your values. Maybe you start with faith and family. Your career, education or health might be important to you. Perhaps you value community or volunteer opportunities.
Don’t overthink it. Try to list three to five things you truly value and want to spend your time on. Next, take each of those values and list three ways you could improve your boundaries related to each one.
Let’s start with faith. How often do you attend church when it’s not required? Do you go out of your way to read a devotional, spend time in the Bible or pray? What about your family? Do you want to grow closer to family members or maintain some distance? Could you make intentional time together or find a way to step back when needed?
Now think about your career or education. Do you find yourself spending more time on work or school at the expense of other important areas of your life, like family? Is it affecting your faith or your health?
Speaking of health, the apostle Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 6:19–20 (ESV): “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.”
How are you honoring God with your body? Are you eating nutritious foods? Are you moving or exercising regularly? Are you getting adequate, restful sleep? Are you managing your screen time and paying attention to your mental health? If you are struggling with your health, are you seeking medical care? Too often, we ignore our bodies until they interfere with the rest of our lives.
If you’re feeling convicted or overwhelmed about your boundaries, let’s focus on simple, positive goals to move in the right direction. Look at your list and choose one or two things that feel doable. Set a specific goal that is moderately easy to achieve. Make it something you will do, rather than something you will not do. For example, go to bed at 10 p.m. instead of saying you won’t stay up late.
If you made changes or gave something up for Lent and found it beneficial, consider starting there. Maybe you commit to exercising three times a week. Maybe you read your Bible and journal five mornings a week. Remember, habits take time to form. Add a time frame, such as a month or six weeks, to allow yourself time to build consistency.
Once you have one or two realistic goals, share them with someone you trust. Think of this person as a boundary accountability partner. If they want to work on their boundaries, even better. Plan to check in with each other regularly. Sharing your goals makes them feel more real and increases the likelihood you will follow through.
After a couple of months, re-evaluate. Did you meet your goal? Look back at your values and see how things are aligning. If you didn’t meet your goal, give yourself grace. We are all human and fall short. You may need more time, a different approach, or a new focus. Adjust and try again.
While boundaries can feel complicated, your boundaries with yourself do not have to be. You can live in a way that aligns with your values and your faith. With slow, sure steps, you can learn to better manage your time and energy. As you gain experience holding boundaries with yourself, it often becomes much easier to hold boundaries with others.
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